Just Breathe
At this moment I am alive & breathing in my own bed.
It started out with 7-up, cough drops & tissues on the nightstand, feeling awful because I had a “SUMMER COLD.” Can you believe it?? A freakin cold! For the past year or so I spent my time isolated, trying to avoid this terrible illness. — I had a slight cough and a scratchy throat I kinda sounded like Lindsay Lohan. Then my throat hurt, I had congestion & I felt like crap but I thought it will pass soon. My youngest daughter with every symptom insisted I had Covid. I kept telling myself & everyone, I am fine I just have a bad immune system and I need to rest. Slowly but quickly, I got worse but I did not want to go to the hospital. “Once you check in there you never check out”. I would say. I was tired, I was sick, I was not getting better and the next day was my youngest daughters 19th birthday. I was not in the mood to celebrate. I had no energy, no appetite and although I could still taste, nothing tasted good. I continued to tell myself “it’s not COVID.” Somehow by the Grace of God my daughter convinced me to just go get checked by the doctor. They would give me medication and send me home.
I could barely shower, we threw on my pajamas with no bra and headed to the Emergency Room. I was so tired I just wanted to crawl back in my bed. (I really wish they did house calls.) My husband (who was also beginning to not feel great) drove me to Kaiser in Modesto, California. They checked me in at 12:30 but they had no beds available. I was just looking for medication and wanted to go home. We sat there for hours, I was in a broken wheelchair that poked my back in all the wrong places. I don’t know why I didn’t switch chairs but I kept telling myself it would only be a few more minutes, and I was in and out of consciousness. Finally at 6:00pm waiting in the entryway/parking lot for hours… I was brought to a room. It was a kids room in the ER with a comfy cot. I just wanted to lay there and sleep. They gave me oxygen, I felt like the Jefferson’s. I could hear the Jeffersons theme song, “Moving on up” in my head. I was like I am good, I will just sleep here, aweee yes!!!!! Next thing I know, the nurse is pushing my cot faster than I had seen anyone move all day. I didn’t know what was happening but it was hilarious to me because Scott couldn’t keep up. I teased her that she was trying to ditch my husband. I was laughing and choking at the same time, I am sure at this point I was delirious. Next thing I knew they asked my husband to leave, no one was allowed on the Covid Floor. I was glad he had seen my room and was grateful to have a room. I was defeated and I accepted the fact that I was a Covid patient with Pneumonia. They needed to watch my liver, my heart and monitor me for strokes. They also found out in a test I am prediabetic. They immediately started me on Remdesivir Therapy.
The tests and medications started and I had missed my daughters 19th birthday… and the next thing I know a week had passed. I had no shower, I wore my same PJ bottoms and the bright yellow hospital gown the whole time. I had made peace that I was there to heal but I spent many nights alone and isolated in my room, on death’s door. I had never experienced such pain, I have been through some serious pain as a child having issues with my kidneys bladder and urethra tubes. I’ve had multiple surgeries and operations that cured me. I had been in accidents, fires etc. I think I may be the bionic woman? All the pains I have experienced, including childbirth/C sections. This was the first time I ever experienced this feeling of pervasive death all around me. I would hear “code blue” and I didn’t know if this was for me or another patient? I would think of my friends that lost this battle to Covid and I would sob for them. I thought of my Father in Law that passed of Cancer and all he could say was “Fuck”. I understood this now like never before I would shout out the word Fuck . I thought of my own Mother & how she died alone in her bed. I wondered did she suffer like I was suffering?
“FUCK”-Kelly Mitchell
I cry thinking that death has new meaning now. I used to see it as this place between Heaven and Earth. I still see that but its dark and confusing, but at the same time it makes all the sense in the world. You see God and and you see a bubbling brook, you see all the beauty in the world but you also see this life that you love and you’re not ready to end it yet, Your heart sinks, the ride is over but only for you and everyone else is still living. You see the people you have spent your life with you and see them praying, you see them living, you see their heart, their intentions, and you see ugly truths. You are still alive but you see things you’ve never seen before. Is this a movie? Is it a dream? Is this real life? Can I wake up from this? I have more to give this world and I have more to take from this world. I see Angels all around me and God is showing me the beauty and that’s all that matters. I see this now but is it all over? You need rest, but you can’t sleep because your mind won’t stop… you’re scared if you do, you wont wake up.
The hospital needed more beds for Covid patients and as bad as I was, there was people worse off than me. Those repetitive Code Blues and patients like me, kept the nurses busy night and day. Time in the hospital is like a vortex. I decided every nurse I met was an angel every one of them was put there just for me. Suddenly a nurse appeared in my room and stated his name was “Angel”. I said of course it is! I texted a friend and told her God’s over here writing my story. Oh Lord, why didn’t anyone take my phone away??? I guess it was good to have a digital diary but still girl put your phone down! I am pretty sure the nurses cant be recorded but yeah, they did their thing, I did mine.
Thank You Penny Wilcox for sending me a beautiful card that literally matched my hospital outfit
So they send you home to sink or swim. I slept for 3 days with my daughter praying over me, monitoring me, nursing me back to health. You can’t sit yourself up, you can’t take yourself to the bathroom, you can’t bathe, or brush your teeth. You can’t laugh and you can’t cry. Every simple task I do, like blowing my nose or walking across the room makes me feel like I ran a marathon. I am still so tired and sick, but sick of being tired and tired of being sick. Food tastes amazing because my body wants fuel. I love fresh fruit and I think I have never tasted anything so amazing in my life. Particularly cantaloupes and blueberries, OMG soooo good! Last night we got El Portal (my favorite taco truck in Patterson, California) After I finished eating my daughter Jacinda helped clean me up. I felt like a 2 year old. She literally had to change my shirt because I fed myself.
