Just Breathe

At this moment I am alive & breathing in my own bed.

It started out with 7-up, cough drops & tissues on the nightstand, feeling awful because I had a “SUMMER COLD.” Can you believe it?? A freakin cold! For the past year or so I spent my time isolated, trying to avoid this terrible illness. — I had a slight cough and a scratchy throat I kinda sounded like Lindsay Lohan. Then my throat hurt, I had congestion & I felt like crap but I thought it will pass soon. My youngest daughter with every symptom insisted I had Covid. I kept telling myself & everyone, I am fine I just have a bad immune system and I need to rest. Slowly but quickly, I got worse but I did not want to go to the hospital. “Once you check in there you never check out”. I would say. I was tired, I was sick, I was not getting better and the next day was my youngest daughters 19th birthday. I was not in the mood to celebrate. I had no energy, no appetite and although I could still taste, nothing tasted good. I continued to tell myself “it’s not COVID.” Somehow by the Grace of God my daughter convinced me to just go get checked by the doctor. They would give me medication and send me home.

I could barely shower, we threw on my pajamas with no bra and headed to the Emergency Room. I was so tired I just wanted to crawl back in my bed. (I really wish they did house calls.) My husband (who was also beginning to not feel great) drove me to Kaiser in Modesto, California. They checked me in at 12:30 but they had no beds available. I was just looking for medication and wanted to go home. We sat there for hours, I was in a broken wheelchair that poked my back in all the wrong places. I don’t know why I didn’t switch chairs but I kept telling myself it would only be a few more minutes, and I was in and out of consciousness. Finally at 6:00pm waiting in the entryway/parking lot for hours… I was brought to a room. It was a kids room in the ER with a comfy cot. I just wanted to lay there and sleep. They gave me oxygen, I felt like the Jefferson’s. I could hear the Jeffersons theme song, “Moving on up” in my head. I was like I am good, I will just sleep here, aweee yes!!!!! Next thing I know, the nurse is pushing my cot faster than I had seen anyone move all day. I didn’t know what was happening but it was hilarious to me because Scott couldn’t keep up. I teased her that she was trying to ditch my husband. I was laughing and choking at the same time, I am sure at this point I was delirious. Next thing I knew they asked my husband to leave, no one was allowed on the Covid Floor. I was glad he had seen my room and was grateful to have a room. I was defeated and I accepted the fact that I was a Covid patient with Pneumonia. They needed to watch my liver, my heart and monitor me for strokes. They also found out in a test I am prediabetic. They immediately started me on Remdesivir Therapy.

The tests and medications started and I had missed my daughters 19th birthday… and the next thing I know a week had passed. I had no shower, I wore my same PJ bottoms and the bright yellow hospital gown the whole time. I had made peace that I was there to heal but I spent many nights alone and isolated in my room, on death’s door. I had never experienced such pain, I have been through some serious pain as a child having issues with my kidneys bladder and urethra tubes. I’ve had multiple surgeries and operations that cured me. I had been in accidents, fires etc. I think I may be the bionic woman? All the pains I have experienced, including childbirth/C sections. This was the first time I ever experienced this feeling of pervasive death all around me. I would hear “code blue” and I didn’t know if this was for me or another patient? I would think of my friends that lost this battle to Covid and I would sob for them. I thought of my Father in Law that passed of Cancer and all he could say was “Fuck”. I understood this now like never before I would shout out the word Fuck . I thought of my own Mother & how she died alone in her bed. I wondered did she suffer like I was suffering?

“FUCK”-Kelly Mitchell

I cry thinking that death has new meaning now. I used to see it as this place between Heaven and Earth. I still see that but its dark and confusing, but at the same time it makes all the sense in the world. You see God and and you see a bubbling brook, you see all the beauty in the world but you also see this life that you love and you’re not ready to end it yet, Your heart sinks, the ride is over but only for you and everyone else is still living. You see the people you have spent your life with you and see them praying, you see them living, you see their heart, their intentions, and you see ugly truths. You are still alive but you see things you’ve never seen before. Is this a movie? Is it a dream? Is this real life? Can I wake up from this? I have more to give this world and I have more to take from this world. I see Angels all around me and God is showing me the beauty and that’s all that matters. I see this now but is it all over? You need rest, but you can’t sleep because your mind won’t stop… you’re scared if you do, you wont wake up.

The hospital needed more beds for Covid patients and as bad as I was, there was people worse off than me. Those repetitive Code Blues and patients like me, kept the nurses busy night and day. Time in the hospital is like a vortex. I decided every nurse I met was an angel every one of them was put there just for me. Suddenly a nurse appeared in my room and stated his name was “Angel”. I said of course it is! I texted a friend and told her God’s over here writing my story. Oh Lord, why didn’t anyone take my phone away??? I guess it was good to have a digital diary but still girl put your phone down! I am pretty sure the nurses cant be recorded but yeah, they did their thing, I did mine.

Thank You Penny Wilcox for sending me a beautiful card that literally matched my hospital outfit

So they send you home to sink or swim. I slept for 3 days with my daughter praying over me, monitoring me, nursing me back to health. You can’t sit yourself up, you can’t take yourself to the bathroom, you can’t bathe, or brush your teeth. You can’t laugh and you can’t cry. Every simple task I do, like blowing my nose or walking across the room makes me feel like I ran a marathon. I am still so tired and sick, but sick of being tired and tired of being sick. Food tastes amazing because my body wants fuel. I love fresh fruit and I think I have never tasted anything so amazing in my life. Particularly cantaloupes and blueberries, OMG soooo good! Last night we got El Portal (my favorite taco truck in Patterson, California) After I finished eating my daughter Jacinda helped clean me up. I felt like a 2 year old. She literally had to change my shirt because I fed myself.

It’s crazy how just a few short years ago I was caring for my baby, now my baby is caring for me. I can’t help but reflect on the circle of life. I was literally in the hospital 19 years ago unable to move with this fat cheeked lil baby that just stared in my eyes… she gave me life then and when I wake up choking that same face on a young lady stares in my eyes and gives me life once again.

God gave me you!

When I was 17, I met my first husband and we had 4 kids together. We had our 1st child when I was 21 and our last when I was 32. He was the only family I had. Sadly our marriage ended.  He left for many reasons but ultimately started living his own life, living freely without responsibilities. The role of a father was left empty and ultimately I became the Mom & Dad for years.   

I did find love again after spending time taking care of the kids and focusing on myself. I would casually date but nothing more.  My son was in college, so it was just me and my 3 girls for awhile. I don’t think my kids remember when their step dad walked into their life.  But they do remember how he made them feel and how he treated me. The kids were protective and territorial of me. I let them know I had a date and they watched him open the car door for me. They said he was a gentleman, but to me he was just a guy I was enjoying a night out with. “It was just dinner,” I would say to him and the kids. I don’t even remember the day it changed. I also don't remember what life was like without him. Immediately I felt at home with him, he also became protective and territorial of me. He is the family I needed and prayed for.

He slowly became my kids' Dad, and he accepted this challenging role. I was a package deal and I am extra like guacamole. 

Not only do stepparents make a single parent believe in love again, they also embrace their children as their own. In our case, my husband had no experience with children but he was about to get an instant family. I don’t know how he did it, but I know it was fueled by love and a desire to show me & the girls that men can and will provide for a family and be the King they deserve. 

He showed up for everything for us. He was there for all the things! He opened doors for us, made dinners and put fear into boyfriends the girls came home with. He brought us back to Patterson, the girls hometown so they can go to school where they grew up. He commutes 4 hours a day so they could have the best life in the town they love. 

My husband saw each kid off to the military or college. He moved them out and settled them into their new homes. When they get married they will choose a wonderful man like him, and he will walk them down the aisle with tears in his eyes. 

What our kids didn’t see behind closed doors was that he struggled to learn to parent children who weren't his own, all while he was mending my broken heart. He was not expecting to fall in love with a Mother of 4. I was not expecting the life I had created to crumble. I was broken, battered and abused. I felt alone and worthless for so long. 

My Husband has brought life into the hearts of our children and mine. He has  shown us the deepest, purest form of love there is—that of a father and husband.

My husband never thought of our kids as a burden. He and his entire family embraced us all since day one.  To my husband the kids were an added bonus. These are not just my kids, they are ours and you know what? Their stepdad is their Father. He is who they celebrate on Fathers day.

It's not easy to inherit kids when you start a new relationship, but he blended into our family perfectly.  We love you Scott and are forever grateful for your acceptance and love.

Open Letter to the Daughter Who Has to Wake up with no Daddy

To the Daughter Who Has to Wake up on Fathers Day Without a Daddy,

Isabel is the apple of her Father’s eye.

Dear Daughter

It's so sad he is the last thing on your mind when you go to bed Saturday night, and he will also be the very first thing on your mind when you wake up Sunday morning.

I know you have such a broken heart, You don't remember a life without the pain.

You wanted him, needed him. You longed for time with him & to know him. You feel abandoned and alone; you don't have the man of the house everyone else is celebrating.

   You will never be Daddy's girl. You will never be Daddys lil Princess and he will never be your knight and shining armor

This is that Dad that every daughter deserves.

I did not have a Dad like Mr. Toste but I always had our heavenly Father.

I know that pain that your chest feels when the phone rings, when you think it could be him. It's not him, it never is, he's not coming to see you and he will never call.

You always yearned for a piece of advice, a comforting hug only to turn around and he was never there.

It's such a beautiful fake smile that you wear, the forced laughter that you have. Pretending you dont care.

So, Daughter Who Has to Wake up Fathers Day Without Her Daddy,

I know on this day you will always wonder what it must be like to be a Daddy but not know your daughter. You wonder does he ever even think of you... he must at least this day? I know the hurt and on this day you feel more alone than ever,

Please know that you are not alone.

Because I am somebody’s daughter, the one who has to wake up on Fathers Day without her Daddy.

It’s me I am her the daughter with no Daddy. I am you and you are me.

You are not alone!

I was never alone, my Father is the King of all Kings. Happy Fathers day to my King, my Heavenly Father!

“It is a wise father that knows his own child."

-William Shakespeare

Happy Father's Day to all the men Blessed to be called Dad. To all the Father's out there making a positive impact on their children, have a wonderful day today & everyday .

“My father wasn’t around when I was a kid, and I used to always say, ‘Why me? Why don’t I have a father? Why isn’t he around? Why did he leave my mother?’ But as I got older I looked deeper and thought, ‘I don’t know what my father was going through, but if he was around all the time, would I be who I am today?”

— LeBron James

These images are from my session with my Beautiful Senior Isabel Toste. A you can see her Father is one of a kind, I love my Job and my amazing clients they are such a blessing. This Father right here is a class act he is everything every little girl deserves in a Dad. No wonder Isabel is so amazing… she has strong roots and is very grounded with 2 amazing parents!

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads, Step-Dads, Grand Dads, Moms that play the role of Dad, Foster Dad, Uncles, Brothers, Cousins and Friends who step up to show a child what it truly means to be a Father.

A huge shout out to Isabel’s Father for warming my heart this Fathers day, And my amazing Husband Scott who not only is a great Father to our children but he shows us everyday what a real man is. We love you!

What is something new you can try today?

These might look like empty bags

but to me they are full.

Yes, they’re full, because my heart is full. These bags are more than just a nice gesture to me. The Ziploc bag came from my good friend Debra. I’ve known her for about 24 years now. The second brown paper bag came from a friend I recently met, she is my new neighbor. 

Now those of you that are new here, let me tell you I have a story for everything, and I have a picture for everything because that’s how I roll! I also live my life to the fullest, and surround myself around positive people that inspire me and help me grow. With that said, I want to talk about these two friends and tell you what they mean to me. Also, let’s talk about how delicious their cookies are! 

So my friend Debra wanted to do something nice for my birthday. She decided to make me homemade cookies. When she dropped them off she told me I’m not a baker…she did tell me that her daughter Elizabeth is the baker in the family. Debra told me Elizabeth wanted to make the cookies, but Debra declined because she wanted to make the cookies herself, and show me some love. Debra always says I have no duplicity, that I am very blunt and honest, this might be an example of why. I then told Debra well, if you wanted to show me some love, you should have had the baker make them! I would prefer to have tasty cookies. Regardless of my joke, I gratefully took Debra’s cookies. Of course I was happy but I just felt like if Elizabeth, her amazing baker daughter, made the cookies, I could possibly feel like Frank. (Feeling like Frank is something I’m always striving for, and again another long story!) Later on, I was having a birthday dinner and I hadn’t tried one of Debra‘s cookies yet. I had some friends over and they all sampled the cookies before I could. A few of my friends were raving about them being the best cookie they’ve ever had. I said you have to be joking because Debra told me they weren’t that good!  Debra stood corrected because the cookies were delicious. In fact, they were the best cookies I have ever had in my life! Had Debra not made me those cookies, because she felt like she was not a baker, I would’ve never tasted such deliciousness. So of course, I was very grateful when Debra brought over another batch just a few days ago. Of course I ate them all probably much faster than she could make them, so I didn’t get a picture. But I did get a picture of the empty bag.

Last night, I ate the last two cookies in that Ziploc bag from Debra. Now, this morning my beautiful new neighbor brought me over this brown paper bag with some more delicious cookies in them. She made them something special, something I’ve never had in my life. Now one thing I absolutely hate is oatmeal raisin cookies! Why? Because they look so delicious, and then you take a bite… and you’re filled with disappointment. They’re filled with raisins and not chocolate! Like who thought of making such delicious looking cookies and filling them with nasty raisins? Yes, I don’t like raisins and I never will. It’s a rotten grape. I love grapes, but I can’t stand raisins. I think I would prefer somebody to bring me a fruit cake, which is something nasty in itself. Well, my neighbor brought me beautiful chocolate filled oatmeal cookies! Not just  regular chocolate but DARK chocolate! The cookie was not too sweet. I have been cutting sugar out of my diet. I’ve been eating everything all natural. I love chocolate but I’ve been sticking with dark chocolate because my doctor put me on a Mediterranean diet. Now my new neighbor, she’s a vegetarian and she’s Indian. I am new to my somewhat plant-based diet and I also do not care for Indian food, even though it is my husband Scott's  favorite food. Last week, my neighbor invited Scott and I over for brunch and we had tea and Indian food, it was delicious and it was healthy and tasty, I was shocked I actually liked it.  I would never know how delicious my neighbors cooking was if I was afraid to try new things.

So, when my neighbor brought me over the cookies this morning, I had already been reflecting on Debra and how she had made me amazing cookies. Debra stepped out of her comfort zone and had she never done something because she thought she wasn’t good at it, and someone else was better, I would’ve never been able to try the best cookie I’ve ever had. If I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone with my neighbor and tried her cooking, it may not have led to me having another one of the best cookies I’ve ever had.

I’m realizing it doesn’t matter what age you are, we can always try something new… learn something new… taste something new… enjoy something new. You never know how talented you are, you never know what you’re good at until you actually try. See these cookies? They were made with love! Debra’s were made with love for an old friend. My new neighbor Sheetal’s, were made with love for a new friend. “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold! A circle is round, it has no end, and that’s how long I want to be your friend!” (Sang in my best Girl Scout leader voice, of course.) God, now that reminds me of Girl Scout cookies! (another delicious cookie) I need some of those before they’re sold out. I may have issues.. I relate my love to cookies but whatever gets me through the day right? 

I just ordered some Girl Scout cookies & they were sold out of my favorite thin mints & caramel delights. So I am going to try something new, a cookie called Lemonades.  What is  something new you can try today?

This is my golden girl/ dear old friend Debra

Her love is homemade

Rhonda Belinda is a Military Mom and a portrait photographer in the Bay area and Central Valley, California. It is her dream to make a positive difference in this world by sharing herself and stories while creating and capturing new ones with others. 100 years from now her legacy will live on through photographs and the positive difference she makes in the life of others.

Patterson Pandemic Seniors Class of 2020

Hey, Class of 2020!⁣

⁣

This Year didn’t turn out the way it's supposed to.  You're probably feeling worried or anxious about the future. You missed out on all of the events & activities that you had planned.

I get it⁣

But one thing I know- you deserve to be CELEBRATED.

Senior year is for senior portraits.  Last time for you to play sports for your school. The last  performances as a highschool student. You order your cap and gown. You probably worried about the SAT or military entrance ASVAB exam, or applied to get into your dream college or a specialty program. Maybe you were planning a big graduation party and then moving into a shared apartment with a best friend, or a road trip with a buddy. You were thinking about senior ditch day or senior assassins  (and not getting caught), and senior sunset. Grad night and prom & signing yearbooks. Some of you were going to be the first one in your family to graduate and walk that stage. Others are the baby the last sibling to graduate, finally this was your time to shine. Some were supposed to be valedictorian and give a speech, along with the school president and class president. Many of you earned medals and cords to mark exceptional study. You were going to drape them around your neck, in your cap and gown.

All the events that define your senior year. Sober grad night after the graduation ceremony. The last times with your friends before your lives change forever and you go your separate ways into adulthood.

It is all gone now. You have been  seeing your friends on a screen, not in person. Your times to simply hang out have disappeared and you now have to wear a mask to even go outside. Rather than planning a graduation party and figuring out who gets a ticket to attend, you now cannot see anyone and there is nothing to attend.

COVID19 is dangerous. It’s deadly. It’s taking lives around the world. It’s scary. Your parents and many grandparents have never seen anything like this. The pandemic is awful. It is changing our communities and the world.

This virus stole major milestones and events from so many. It took away time with our friends. High school seniors aren’t supposed to be home all the time. This is the year for memorable chaos.  Now school is on a computer now all the teachers are online. 

Some people are minimizing the losses by comparing them to the deaths caused by COVID 19.

Many seniors don't share how much this hurts because they feel selfish or they don’t want to stress parents. Their parents may already be stressed by working from home or job loss or fears for friends and family

Some seniors can't express or find the words to say what this means to them.

We can't compare losses. Nobody can tell us how to feel.

2020 Seniors are the first to experience this loss.

Talk to each other, tell you friends how awful everything feels.

Hang out together online.

Use all that creativity and all those skills that belong to only your generation. Create what you want and how you want to do it. Ask for space if you need it.  Express how you feel, draw, paint, create music, rap, dance, run or write. Express those feelings in a way that works for you. Make a scrapbook or journal documenting your life or how much it has changed. Start planning your future or planning for college. Make an amazon wish list. Appreciate this life, yes this is the new normal. Thank God for another day. Pray about everything worry about nothing, be resilient. One day you will have 2020 hindsight and you will reflect on it all. Today it is all about 2020 vision, so start dreaming about your future now.

Take your big day and events back. Even if your school is not doing it, you and your friends and families can plan something to honor and celebrate you. Participate in a graduation parade in your community. Make your own graduation stage. Have your own prom. Take your senior portraits in your cap & gown. Print those pictures hang them in your house and post them on social media. The class of 2020 is making history give them something interesting to talk about.

Class of 2020, you will get through this. You have losses that can't be replaced. You will never get this time back but you can make it your time. You are the future class of 2020, you will change the world. This is still your year take it back. Live the life you want to live. 

Celebrate~ Love~ Dream… Shine on!